overwhelmed.

these past couple of days have been, well, overwhelming. finding out that "your dreams for us would never be fully realized" didn't help in the overwhelming department. i have honestly been a shell. existing, not living. it's really hard avoiding the ones you love who are desperately reaching out. i want to reach out too, i want to grasp someones hand, but i find myself recoiling. why do i do this? why do i escape into myself when something goes awry in my life? i just want someone to hug me, but i don't. i just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, but i don't. realizing, that i put my all for two and half years into something i believed in, and it ending in an instant. i can't help but blame myself. what could i have done to make things better? been more vocal about my feelings? yes. not held back? yes. been straightforward? yes. put everything in my life on the line for one person? fuck yes. and then i start to think about my outward self. what could i have done differently there? and then i start to think about the last time he told me i was beautiful, and i honestly can't recall. when was the last time i truly felt wanted by him? wow, that escapes me as well? has it really been that long? has it really been that bad for so long? i can sure as hell recall the last time some one other then him made it clear that they wanted me. i longed so badly to be his picture of perfection. but i clearly never achieved that. why do i waste my time on someone who refuses to love me back? why? because i believe in him. i believe that he can be more than what he has become, whether he can see that too or not. i want everything for him. but most of all, whether he likes it or not, i want him to know that he was loved, even if he didn't return that favor. and the best gift that i can give to him, is to let him go. and as little as this sounds, i hope he looks back someday and realizes and regrets what he had and then tossed away.
i thought the worst day was over when i got through that first day, but i was sorely mistaken. it ends up that the fourth has been the most trying of all. i was woken up by a text message this morning from someone who will remain nameless. in this message they talked about feeling like they have no purpose in life and wake up every morning thinking about hanging them self. not only am i at my lowest of lows, but i have to build up the strength to pick up this person as well. and i did, i wasn't about to abandon one of the most important people in my life because i felt shitty as well. i thought that was going to be it for the day, how much more crap can one person have dumped on them? well, it turns out you can have a whole lot more crap poured on you until you're wallowing in it up to your neck. i come to find out that a classmate and friend, fighting proudly for our country in iraq, was shot. now, i won't get all dramatic and say that he's a very dear and close friend, because that wouldn't be the truth. but i do care about the people in my life who have made a positive impact, like him. even if they play a small role in who i am. i am very proud to know him. he's a soldier and ten thousand times more brave than i will ever be, and that's why i care. i don't believe in this war, but i believe in our soldiers. i want them to come home and be with their families.
i'm tired and i'm sad and i wish i could sleep. but i have too many thoughts. too many worries. too many questions unanswered. but i'm going to make a commitment to myself, right here and right now: when i wake up in the morning, i'm going to get up with a little more faith, i'm going to walk out of my room with a little more peace, i'm going to brush my teeth with a little more understanding and i'm going to tie my shoes to go on a walk with a little more hope.

"i'll never let this define the light in my eyes."

some good things i've goin' on in my life right now...
-had an awesome interview yesterday. i really want the job.
-i'm officially an iowa state alum.
-i'm going home this weekend.
-my boyfriend is an incredible disc golfer.
-my cat got her butt shaved (okay, that's not really a good thing, but it made me laugh).
-i'm preparing to get a cat of my very own.
-my last day of working at the call center is may 29 (ok, kinda sad about that, BUT i get a couple weeks of summer vacay).
-i get my new car this weekend! it's my dad's work car... 2008 chevy impala, fully loaded with a V8... i can't even freakin' wait!
-it's the summer time, and there shouldn't be any reason not to be happy right now! woot!

epiphany.

i just got done reading 'a million little pieces' by james frey and it made me have an epiphany. everyday we are faced with choices, countless choices. but the fact is that we make those choices, no one else does that for us. what i have come to learn is that i am the only one accountable for the choices that i make, healthy or unhealthy, right or wrong. they are my choices. i am the way i am because of the choices i've made. i do not blame genetics, or that i am predisposed, or that someone pushed me to do it because of their actions. anything that i put into my body, i choose to put into it. there is nothing inside of me that is making me put that hamburger in my mouth, i chose to do it. this is what i have learned. i am in control of who i am, and i am the way i am because i choose to be. it is about time that i realize this. stop blaming others and start holding myself accountable. i want to be healthy. i want to be thin. and everyday i have to remember that i choose what goes into my body. i have the choice to work out, or stay at home in my bed eating and watching t.v. the choice is mine, and mine alone.

this song could quite possibly be 'my song'

"There are faces, there are smiles, so many teeth, too many arms and legs
And eyes and flashing buttons all around me
I'm a-watching, I'm a-breathing, I'm a-pushing, I'm a-wishing
That these walls would not be talking quite so loudly
I have bent down once before I've pulled myself up from the floor
And I am looking for a reason to stay standing
But sometimes it's just too much it's not enough it's something else
It's so much bigger than my head, it's too demanding

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go

I'm gonna close my eyes
And count to ten
I'm gonna close my eyes
And when I open them again
Everything will make sense to me then

I have met so many people, we've exchanged so many words
We've said it all and we've said nothing but it's changed us
I have known a lot of men, some were lovers, some were friends
But all together were they merely passing strangers?
They'll control you with their silence, they'll control you with their words
And you'll control them with your body's coded signals
In the wild, entangled gardens of our insecurities
We lose our heads into eachother's hidden pitfalls

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to go slow
And sometimes if you wanna hold on you got to let go

I'm gonna close my eyes
And count to ten
I'm gonna close my eyes
And when I open them again
Everything will make sense to me then

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-ten..." - Tina Dico

i. am. a . nervous. wreck.

if i get the job, i will hear back from pioneer either today or tomorrow. i think i'm on the verge of an all out panic attack. and i'm pretty sure my phone battery will die by me just checking my phone alone ALL day. seriously, i check it like every minute... even though it's on vibrate...

i'm headin' on down to the dirty south...

so i'll be heading down to new orleans on thursday. i can't even wait. this is my second time flying, and i'll be alone. kind of nerve racking, but i think i'll be okay. this will also be my second time outside of the midwest (and hopefully it will be my first time seeing the ocean!). this trip is making me realize what a loser i am, ha ha ha. i really need to start traveling more often, lets start with baby steps though!

i do what i want...

Using only song titles from one artist, answer these questions:

Pick a band/artist: the beatles

1. Are you a male or female: girl

2. Describe yourself: helter skelter

3. How do you feel about yourself: don't ever change

4. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend: nowhere man

5. Describe your current boy/girl situation: something

6. Describe your current location: only a northern song

7. Describe where you want to be: Big Casino

8. Your best friend is: paperback writer

9. Your favorite color is: yellow submarine

10. You know: yesterday

11. What's the weather like: good day sunshine

12. If your life was a television show what would it be called?: everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey

13. What is life to you?: strawberry fields forever

14. What is the best advice you have to give: let it be

15. If you could change your name what would you change it to: penny lane

how do you justify being a dick to me?

the passion is gone from your voice.


things aren't good. i'm horribly depressed. but i'm such a huge pussy, and apparently a masochist. go me.

it's a great day to be alive

it's inaugeration day and i couldn't be any happier. there are still haters, but you can't get me down today. i believe in hope, and that's all that matters.

nothing

i saw a picture of you today. you, your new daughter, and girlfriend. your little family. i saw a picture of you today and i felt something. i've never felt it before. it was such a new feeling, while looking at your picture, that it shocked me. i saw a picture of you today and i felt nothing. nothing. and it was the best feeling i've ever had about you.