overwhelmed.

these past couple of days have been, well, overwhelming. finding out that "your dreams for us would never be fully realized" didn't help in the overwhelming department. i have honestly been a shell. existing, not living. it's really hard avoiding the ones you love who are desperately reaching out. i want to reach out too, i want to grasp someones hand, but i find myself recoiling. why do i do this? why do i escape into myself when something goes awry in my life? i just want someone to hug me, but i don't. i just want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, but i don't. realizing, that i put my all for two and half years into something i believed in, and it ending in an instant. i can't help but blame myself. what could i have done to make things better? been more vocal about my feelings? yes. not held back? yes. been straightforward? yes. put everything in my life on the line for one person? fuck yes. and then i start to think about my outward self. what could i have done differently there? and then i start to think about the last time he told me i was beautiful, and i honestly can't recall. when was the last time i truly felt wanted by him? wow, that escapes me as well? has it really been that long? has it really been that bad for so long? i can sure as hell recall the last time some one other then him made it clear that they wanted me. i longed so badly to be his picture of perfection. but i clearly never achieved that. why do i waste my time on someone who refuses to love me back? why? because i believe in him. i believe that he can be more than what he has become, whether he can see that too or not. i want everything for him. but most of all, whether he likes it or not, i want him to know that he was loved, even if he didn't return that favor. and the best gift that i can give to him, is to let him go. and as little as this sounds, i hope he looks back someday and realizes and regrets what he had and then tossed away.
i thought the worst day was over when i got through that first day, but i was sorely mistaken. it ends up that the fourth has been the most trying of all. i was woken up by a text message this morning from someone who will remain nameless. in this message they talked about feeling like they have no purpose in life and wake up every morning thinking about hanging them self. not only am i at my lowest of lows, but i have to build up the strength to pick up this person as well. and i did, i wasn't about to abandon one of the most important people in my life because i felt shitty as well. i thought that was going to be it for the day, how much more crap can one person have dumped on them? well, it turns out you can have a whole lot more crap poured on you until you're wallowing in it up to your neck. i come to find out that a classmate and friend, fighting proudly for our country in iraq, was shot. now, i won't get all dramatic and say that he's a very dear and close friend, because that wouldn't be the truth. but i do care about the people in my life who have made a positive impact, like him. even if they play a small role in who i am. i am very proud to know him. he's a soldier and ten thousand times more brave than i will ever be, and that's why i care. i don't believe in this war, but i believe in our soldiers. i want them to come home and be with their families.
i'm tired and i'm sad and i wish i could sleep. but i have too many thoughts. too many worries. too many questions unanswered. but i'm going to make a commitment to myself, right here and right now: when i wake up in the morning, i'm going to get up with a little more faith, i'm going to walk out of my room with a little more peace, i'm going to brush my teeth with a little more understanding and i'm going to tie my shoes to go on a walk with a little more hope.

"i'll never let this define the light in my eyes."